A Modest Proposal

Mine, from last year's rhetoric class with Mrs. Howat:

Assignment:
find a social ill and correct it in a gruesome but compelling manner, in imitation of the Jonathan Swift composition.

Here was my piece. Read if you dare...

Among the greatest of social ills that are present in our nation today, the worst (as I have been informed by numerous parents) is their teenager’s untidy bedroom. This epidemic is altogether too common among teenagers, who often receive the third degree for snacks, clothes, homework, chewed-up pens, shoes, and bedding found lying on the shelves and (infinitely worse!) the floor. The parent often feels embarrassed and yes, nauseated when he or she opens the door of their model child’s room, only to discover the awful truth: in at least one obvious respect, their child is Average.

Many remedies are unsuccessfully applied to such cases, but there is one which I have found to effectively work in every case. This remedy has been recommended to me by a noteworthy psychologist and counselor friend of mine who tells his clients to ration their son’s or daughter’s meals to one small slice of bread and a glass of water every day. The child becomes so ravenous that in a matter of days he feels compelled to clean out the deep corners of his room.

First, he will eat the old package of crackers that was hiding in the depths of his dresser drawer. Then the cup of lemonade under the bed will disappear. And when all else fails, he will resort to eating his linen shirts, window-sill dust, erasers, and maybe even long-lost drafts of literature assignments.

When his room is empty or when he starves, clear away the remains. Do a quick vacuum and perhaps some minor dusting, and viola! You have a clean room.

This has many obvious benefits. In the short term, it will cut back on what had probably been a sizeable food budget. Your daughter shall no longer be able to complain that she is “fat.” Your son will fear you so much that his room will be kept in perfect order for the remainder of his time in your house. And because he will have eaten most of his worldly possessions, there will be no need to maintain all the junk that would have otherwise overrun his room.